The Walls Are Closing In

In my former life – pre-kids, pre-marriage, pre-adulting – I would decide that I wanted to go somewhere on a whim and be headed that way within a few days or less. I love to see new places and experience new cultures, so traveling has always been great fun for me. In my current life, experiencing new cultures consists of visiting the latest Vietnamese restaurant that recently opened in an area strip center. You know. It’s the one by the 40th nail shop, dry cleaners, and Subway that can be found littered on every corner of Suburbia U.S.A.

I have an innate sense of wanderlust and have always wanted to visit a million different places on the planet. Unfortunately, there are two million reasons that stop that from happening. Work, school, schedules. Obligations, family, money. Reality. The other problem is that I work out of the house. While this is a huge blessing, it can also be very tough. While the rest of the family spends the day at the office or school, I remain here. Working out of your house can be extremely helpful, but it also means I spend almost all of my time here. I work long hours and don’t run out for long lunches. I don’t have time to go shopping or hangout with other moms in the area. Sometimes it’s can be very lonely. And when my work day ends, all I want to do is see my family and go out somewhere away from the house with them. However as they have been away all day, they naturally look forward to unwinding at home after their school and work days are over. I feel guilty if I go out without them, but I feel stir crazy if I stay home.

I want to jump in my car and drive for hours and hours to anywhere different and interesting. I want to plan trips to every corner of the (cornerless) globe. I have yet to see the Egyptian Pyramids, climb Machu Picchu, swim the Great Barrier Reef, or twirl in dizzy circles like a nun soon to be nanny on the slopes of the Alps. I still dream of photographing the incredible wildlife of Galapagos, making faces at the big noggins attached to submerged bodies at Easter Island, see the Northern Lights in person, or sit on the ocean floor as huge manta rays swim around me at a night dive in Hawaii. Seeing the beauties of the world through my phone screen is not enough for me. I want to breathe it all in. To take those journeys. To experience those wonders. To do more everything. And I want my family by my side the whole way.

But they usually want to stay close to home. And beyond that, short of having a long-lost unknown relative who has recently opted to pop a random massive check in the mail, that’s simply not possible in my life today nor will it be happening tomorrow either. It will be back to work, school, schedules. More obligations, family, money. Life as usual within these walls.

I’m blessed. Truly. I do know this. I love my family beyond measure, and I’m genuinely grateful for all of the realities that we are required to tend to each day. I just wish that I could either find a way to break out of the walls every now and then or learn how to fully accept living the vast majority of my hours within them.

I don’t believe that anyone should discard their dreams based on a moment’s perceived reality, but I can’t see how to surmount the realities at this point in my life either. The good news is that I know that life never moves in a straight line and incredible and wonderful surprises can appear when we least expect them.

Although I am feeling constricted in this moment, I ultimately choose to trust that the universe has bad ass plans in the works for my crew and me. I remind myself to breathe in the good in all of the moments and seek the magic in the smallest of our experiences.

Anything can happen and there are countless impossible possibilities that become spectacular realities every day. So this is my official shout out to the universal miracle request line. Bring it on baby because we are here and ready whenever you are!

9 thoughts on “The Walls Are Closing In

  1. I wish the check you need would show up! It is hard being home all day. Then wanting to go out but the hubby just gets home, AND your kids. I’m in the same boat and I don’t have answers. I do know that the Vietnamese restaurant in the strip mall has decent egg rolls. I do know that the sculpture garden is open and the museum is free the first Tuesday of every month. I’ve always loved going to hockey games and I met a gal who skates in the Roller Derby, I may go. I guess my point is find things in the ‘now.’ Yes, you are blessed. So am I. We can both do new and exciting things in the present. We just have to look for it, realistically, and we will find it. Don’t discount your dreams, we never know the future! Until then, find joy in your daily journey! 💜

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    1. I admire runners as they bob along past my vehicle, but that bug-free A/C is like a siren’s song to me. 😉 More seriously though, I have always dreamed of becoming a runner but have never enjoyed it. My joints hurt all over whenever I have tried (even over a good period of time in an attempt to slowly build my stamina) and I am pretty sure that my feet slap around as if I had cinder blocks rather than tennis shoes on my feet. But the gardening – this has been helping my mind greatly in the past several days. ❤️

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      1. hi jo… i’m at the cyber and will have more quality time – i hope – on tuesday at the museo…
        gardening provides so many wonderful tonics – to the soul, the health, etc…. and it connects us with nature, the greatest gift. i think w/so many horrid things happening in our world, that the sensitive ones are feeling it in profound ways. you’re part of that group! love, z

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      2. Oh girl I can’t even look at the news or even the headlines. They are horrifying at best. I want to focus on the good. I know that it’s out there. I think that has been one of my greatest frustrations. I want to share and experience the beautiful wonders of this world with my family but there have been endless reasons that got in the way. I think I’m finally beginning to see that I have the power to push those some of those reasons aside and work around others. Anything can happen. I am certain of it. ❤️

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