I have spent my entire life feeling like a perpetual onlooker into the normal world of others. I have never been able to figure out how to play my part in anything in life just right. Instead I find myself staring enviously through the looking glass at the surreal perfection that countless people manage to achieve. I recognize that they may have issues of their own, but on the whole, they fit in and manage to move through life as expected.
That’s the story I told myself for many many years.
And that story is utter crap. There’s a huge trick hidden in the image we imagine in that mystical looking glass. Although we perceive a perfection in the life that that they are living from our side of the view, the reality is that there’s one hell of a fierce rabbit hole on the other side of the glass. Absolutely no one walks an easy path regardless of what we see reflected on the surface.
Everyone faces extreme struggles at times, and we are all trying to figure out our part in this unpredictable dance of life. We may not see ourselves as perfect. In truth, we may believe with every fiber of our being that we are shattered, broken, unworthy, and lost. However the times when we are at our lowest are the very moments that forge our characters. That strengthen our souls. That define who we truly are. If we can survive that fire, and I assure you that we can, we will find our way and discover our true purpose.
I write these words to ask you to please always hold on when all you really want to do is to let go. I am sitting right next to you on this emotional roller coaster, and I need you by my side, too. We are never alone in this journey, and we serve as each other’s lifelines when needed. We are amazing and precious creatures, and our being here is no accident. Even if we have never met, I can assure you that my life is better because you are in it.
Embrace all of the colors that make up the the incredible person you are. Understand that it fantastically awesome that you are different from everyone else around you and celebrate that. Keep the faith. Never lose hope. And just keep holding on. Always.
Much love to you. Jo
***My primary blog can be found at momentumofjo.com. This site (lifeinthespectrum.com) focuses on working through the mental health challenges that countless people face.
Life in the Spectrum 
I just spent idk how long reading your posts. It was like reading things out of my own head. I’m in a real struggle and I feel much like a failure these days. I’ve failed at everything I wanted. I just can’t be happy. My husband and I just fought because I’m always sad and never happy. I’m so tired of fighting but idk how to get through anymore.
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I think it’s incredibly difficult for spouses whenever they desperately want for us to be happy but have zero clue about how they can make that happen. Unfortunately that just isn’t under their control, but then it starts to hurt them, too, because it feels personal (even when if doesn’t really have anything to do with them). I’m so very sorry honey. We have had that fight in our house over and over again. I honestly believe that tons of people have that fight all the time. But it sure doesn’t feel that way. It feels like it’s just us. Like we are the nutball outlier who can’t figure out how to live “normally” like everyone else.
It’s not just you. Not in the slightest.
You can’t even imagine how many people in my life started contacting me about the same struggles when I posted my first public post about depression and anxiety. They called or sent private messages / texts saying that they felt the same way, too. They also thought that they were in the smallest minority of broken humans.
1. You aren’t broken.
2. This is normal – big time sucky (an eloquent and highly technical term) but still normal.
3. It will get better.
It will. Really – it will.
I know that it’s hard to keep your head above water when you feel like you just can’t take it anymore. But you can and you are stronger than you could ever imagine. You are on this path because you are fierce enough to be able to get through it. Just don’t let the darkness swallow you up when you feel like you are done with it all. This life is worth living and you have important stuff to do. I sincerely mean that and I absolutely believe it, too.
I’m here if you ever want to talk. I so get it and I have so been there. If memory serves me correctly, I was there just last week! No joke. It comes in waves. But we ride the waves and then they pass. It’s a back and forth dance, and you have got the stuff to keep doing the tango whenever the music strikes.
Big big hugs to you love. Joanna
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My biggest issue is that I always feel it’s legitimate. The reason I’m down. The car broke down, paychecks short or wrong, kids sick, so on. All these things happen then I fall and I can’t seem to get back up. I don’t have energy to cook or clean. I know I should cause a clean house makes me feel better but I just can’t seem to get up.
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I understand that. I have three kids. Something is always turning upside down. I struggle to balance work, family, and life, and in my efforts to do all of them just right, I often feel like I mess every single one of them up. This morning? Disaster. At this moment. Still breathing. Later? Praying for better. Sometimes it’s just about continuing forward and knowing that it won’t always feel bleh (to say the least). It does get better and there are so many good moments even during the bad days. Tell me one good thing from today. Really anything at all no matter how small. I can name several for you, but you pick one first.
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I’m awake. Haha. Kidding. My dog snuggles me the minute I get up. And my kids are behaved the best on the mornings. We can just sit and watch cartoons and they are happy. Mornings are always peaceful to most extent.
I have three kids as well. One only half the time. I work full time and struggle to balance everything and anymore I just beat myself up.
I would send you a private message, but idk how
still learning
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Awake is good and the rest made me cry (in a good way). That’s beautiful lovebug. Those are the moments worth living for, and please feel free to write a post about how to get kids to behave well in the mornings. I have yet to solve this mystery of the universe, so it is hot mess central up in here in the a.m. 😉
You are much more together than you allow yourself to believe. We are definitely our own worst critics. You are amazing girl. I promise that it will get better. ❤️
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Maybe I’ll do that. I should really write about something happy. I slept a lot today. I didn’t really get up and do much. But I haven’t been in an awful mood either just resting. It was really nice. My youngest is not two yet so weekends are chaotic. It was nice to relax without that chaos.
How old are your kids?
And thanks. My husband preaches to me that we have it much better than I allow myself to believe sometimes it’s just hard to see.
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Not that I’m in any position to give advice, but I find that it’s therapeutic for me to go back and forth on my writing. I don’t pretend like I’m feeling fabulous when I don’t, but I also have to make sure that I don’t allow myself to dive too deep into the rabbit hole. It becomes toxic and it feeds that monster. I really do despise the fake it till you make it approach. It just rings hollow to me. But we can find good moments to celebrate that are real and that matter. We have to celebrate the good when we can and work through the poison when we need to. We are made up of dark and light. It’s what gives us beauty and contrast and depth. Celebrate it. All of it. ❤️
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That’s a great way of looking at it. And you actually have me an idea. One of the reasons my husband and I work and fight is because he’s so positive and I’m so negative. So I talked to him and I think we are going to try something. I’ll write out all the negative things in my life right now and he’s going to help me turn them all into positives. A new outlook so to speak.
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Or both of you can find the positive. He’s not your repair man. He’s your partner. You aren’t broken so you don’t need a fixer. You just need a shift in perspective darling, and I adore that he is the kind of strong spouse who will be there supporting you along the way. ❤️ 🙂
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Most days lol. Some days he gets tired of my nonsense. And I want to work through it together cause lord knows I just can’t find positives. I’m hoping if he helps me at first I can start to do it on my own and maybe it will be easier.
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That’s marriage for everyone!
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I never noticed how messed up things were in my head till he and I got together. I just spent the first 25 years of my life hating myself hating my husband hating life and screaming at everyone all the time. It’s what I thought was normal. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I have depression. And idk what it is about my husband but he never gives up on me. Even when we split up he is talking to me everyday to make sure I’m okay. He always tries to help me and he calls me on my bullshit every time. Not always the best way but it opened my eyes a lot.
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